The Tea Party Artists’ Manifesto


We like black and we like white but we don’t like grey.
We don’t share opinions at social gatherings or small parties.
We believe in dynasties and self made people.
We believe in American exceptionalism.
We don’t endorse either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney for president. We seek an alternative to these men.
We believe that art is more likely to exist in the free market than in academia.
We believe in a wide spectrum of talent. Being a playboy centerfold or an espn commentator, for instance, is a major talent.
We believe in high mountain water and wild game.
We prefer originality to complexity and we prefer sincerity to irony.
We don’t believe in entitlements.
We do believe in home remedies, DIY experimentation, and magical occurrences.
We believe one can be an artist in any field they choose, from burger flipper to physicist.
We believe in bold decisive action, and keeping your eyes looking ahead of you instead of behind you.
We believe that the ideals of the window washers steal life from both art and artists alike.
We don’t attempt to achieve things by submitting applications and/or doing job interviews.
We believe every individual should be able to administer CPR and build a fire without a match.
We prefer wood burning heat.
We appreciate crooked teeth, buck teeth, gap teeth, and straight teeth with a snaggletooth. We prefer gold teeth over bleached teeth.
We prefer elk herds to wolf packs.
We believe museums are only interesting if there’s nothing in them.
We whole-heartedly support Mike Tyson, and consider him an honorary member of the tea party artists union.
We believe that entrepreneurs hold the key to the country’s future.
We prefer to eat filet mignon with our hands by the campfire.
We like to exercise our minds by coming up with nicknames for liberals, such as windowwashers, snakecharmers, grasshoppers, willywonks.
We don’t watch sitcoms, but we do watch dramas and thrillers.
We also watch a lot of reality TV, since it reflects our aesthetic ideals of survivalism, fear, transformation, and humiliation.